Thursday, April 25, 2013

I haven't been this disturbed by an omen at the beginning of a baseball season since 2011 when 14 young pine trees planted just beyond the center field wall were dug up & summarily disposed upon the sacrificial altar of the almighty hitter - in case you missed that day in Marketing class allow me to paraphrase what I was taught which is that altar of offense must be fed in order to prod the ticket-buying masses toward pacification lest they become frightened away by pitching duels - but just yesterday I heard about the For Sale sign on the lawn in front of manager Ron Gardenhire's house in Little Canada. Where are you going Gardy? Concerned with your job status? Why? Don't you know the bar has now been set so low after the worst back to back seasons in franchise history that a mere 77 wins could easily earn you a contract extension. Win 82 & they'll throw you a ticker tape parade along the streets of the L.C. as you depart in your moving van in search of 6 month leases elsewhere in the metro area. Why sell now when there's no place to go but up? How could fortunes not improve in Twins Territory after Gardenhire was finally forced to lobotomize his Ullger, Vavra & Liddle brain trust so that his senses might be buffered by coaches who not only played major league baseball but experienced post-season success. Good Lord for the first time since 2001, I can look into the Twins dugout and breathe again....Terry Steinbach is our bench coach....Tom Brunansky is our hitting coach....this must be a very confusing time for Gardy who I suspect relied upon the premise that by surrounding himself with a crew full of Gilligans, his status as skipper would be less likely to come into question. Actually, it was more like Gilligan, the Professor from the University of Wisconsin-Stout, and Lovey the Stop Sign. But enough about the boat that sank, I was trying to convey that I'm in a positive state of mind after said lobotomy. It also doesn't hurt that power pitching-arms can be seen on the horizon (assuming Gardenhire doesn't get frustrated by the temperamental fire-ballers and lobby the GM to ship 'em off to Tampa Bay in exchange for Delmon Young). The storm appears to be over. The skipper did not go down with the ship, so where would he be going now? Gardy, I suggest you reconsider home ownership in Minnesota, and this coming from the one guy sworn to assist in your removal from Target Field. Maybe it's time for me to finally acknowledge that you do possess managing skills - 12 straight playoff losses - 195 losses over the last two seasons - a career managerial record of 9 & 35 at Yankee Stadium - and yet there you are still scurrying down the anchor chain and finding dry land on which to cash massive checks, while I remain eternally bitter that my stagnant disposable income slowly flows in the opposite direction toward the Pohlad estate. Faced with this reality how could I not admit you're a better manager than I. You win Gardy. I'm now convinced you could skim along the unbalanced waves floating upon nothing more than a liquor-store pocket schedule and should you ever capsize how cold could the water possibly be when that schedule is stocked 76 games deep with horribly flawed pool pee'ers from Chicago, Kansas City, Cleveland & Detroit.