Thursday, August 01, 2013


Like a foul bird summoned to hover around my neck, my first ultimatum to serve as a juror arrived in the junk mail threatening me, not with spiritual retribution, but criminal sanctions should I fail to respond to their questionnaire and then appear at the appointed hour. Can't you see I'm smack dab in the middle of prosecuting the case against the Minnesota manager? Summon me in the winter, you have 8 months to choose from, my time in the ballpark is fast fading. Now, as I was telling my jury please direct your attention to Exhibit F the starting lineup of the team from New York which swept us on July the 4th. Wait, not just any sweep, a 4 game sweep at home, also known as an albatross. 8 Ichiro, 7 Almonte, 4 Cano, DH Hafner, 9 Wells, 3 Overbay, 6 Cruz, 5 Gonzalez, 2 Romine, Starting Pitcher - David Phelps. Oh, and off the record simply as a bonus question to waste additional time in an American courtroom, which of those 9 hitters do you intentionally walk with 1st base open and runners on 2nd & 3rd? If you answered Robinson Cano congratulations you're smarter than Ron Gardenhire, select company indeed. The pain of that horribly scripted independence day (a farce starring unknown Yankees who seize our beloved Twinkies flirting with .500 & drag them toward a fate ten under) stayed with me well into the all-star break where I burned further in Flushing's inner circle, a regrettable venue which only became memorable during the post-game MVP presentation when interim commissioner Bud Selig slid head first into an unsolicited grope of Mariano Rivera, a steamy breach of office etiquette leaving what remains of Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis' crumbling body to slowly turn over and over then over again.