Monday, April 30, 2012

Every Twins fan attending today's game receives a free mercury-laden energy efficient light bulb or so I was told by the desperate ticket broker unloading good seats cheap to a noon game between the 5 - 15 Twins & 6 - 14 Royals, circumstances allowing me to acquire a spot in the Legend's Club for $20 and an additional seat in the upper deck for just 5 more dollars its sole purpose not to be scanned upon entry into Target Field affording me the opportunity to smoke a cigarette en route to a nearby bar around the top of the 4th inning then re-enter the ballpark through a different gate after getting to the bottom of the fifth - it seemed a foolproof plan conceived in the interest of maintaining my traditional one cigarette per game policy a plan never to be executed as the Twins cancelled the game due to weather concerns hours after collecting parking, restaurant & concession revenue. The revenue collectors were to be expected, far more concerning was the fact that birds were chirping and other than an early light mist forecasts of rain never materialized leaving us with a typical 49 degree April day in Minnesota conditions absolutely harmless to the game of baseball yet somehow feared by the same Twins officials who had no reservations about distributing 30,000 breakable bulbs to 30,000 pissed off pedestrians and I was one of them stuck downtown with two worthless tickets of no cash value whatsoever although I've heard game day stubs provide free admission into any number of strip clubs surrounding the stadium an impossibility for me still mentally scarred by a friend's recent confession that he woke up one morning unable to open his eyes courtesy of crab eggs deposited there by some crusty stripper the night before. I could wander into the Target Field gift shop obviously still open for business and eat away at my credit rating or I could attempt to escape the warehouse district by any means necessary even if that meant battling mass exodus traffic intensified by the central corridor project which now threatens to consume us all. Decisions, decisions....what better time to utilize my mid-game cigarette so I quickly found an alley & a dumpster and safely hidden from public view proceeded to smoke tobacco. I took these precautions recalling a press release I had read (AP 4/4/12 posted on which informed Twins fans that the smoking area on the plaza outside of Gate 6 had been eliminated after just two years because "when the wind was blowing the right way second-hand smoke would back up into the main concourse, and it would even waft up into the Club Level" atrocities to be suffered no more essentially rendering me a fugitive from justice. I began to panic, what if somebody sees me, more importantly would they smell smoke and report me via text message to the proper authorities (if only I could find 1 or 2 fans equally offended by Gardenhire-managed teams which still can't execute a rundown when an opponent is trapped between bases). The time to flee had come - gift shop or traffic? - circles of hell are circles of hell I chose traffic and once engulfed in it my only friend the radio informed me that today's cancellation would be made up as part of a bloody doubleheader with the Royals on June 30th a date months away which none of us are guaranteed to be around for especially those unsuspecting drivers on the interstate running up against an army of recently released dipsomaniacs who had unlimited access to stadium beer vendors.